By James Ballinghoff, DNP, MBA, RN, Chief Nursing Officer
PPMC Chief Nursing Officer James Ballinghoff
I knew that I was different all of my life. I just didn’t know why. I knew that I didn’t feel what my friends were feeling. It was very stressful. I had characteristics that many gay boys and men have, and as a result, I was called anti-gay slurs. I spent a great deal of energy trying to cover up traits that I proudly celebrate today.
I came out to myself when I was 18. It was 1980. The world was very different then. Being gay wasn’t talked about or celebrated like it is today. I started working right out of high school in the restaurant business and made a friend who happened to be a lesbian. She said to me one day, “You are gay.” Was I? I thought about it long and hard. I thought to myself, “Is that bad, to be gay?” She seemed normal and happy. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t hide from my true self forever. I believe it was that night that I came out to myself and accepted that I was gay. She was the first person I said the words to out loud: “I’m gay.”
She took me to an LGBTQ bar. They weren’t identified as that back then, but it was a safe space, tucked secretively away in a dark alley, where every one of those letters was accepted and celebrated. Yes, celebrated. It wasn’t what I expected. The people at the bar looked like everyone else in society (except for the drag queens!). I felt “normal” for the first time in my life. I felt accepted and not judged for who I was. I wouldn’t say that I felt proud, but I didn’t feel ashamed – something that I had grappled with for a long time.
As time went by, I became more and more comfortable with who I was; who I was born to be. I eventually came out to my family and friends about five years later. I still hid it, or tried to, from co-workers. It still wasn’t safe to come out. There was a fear of losing my job, being bullied, or even violence.
The world is much different now. At Penn Medicine, I’ve always felt comfortable and supported just the way I am. Now as a leader, I’m proud to work in an organization that’s supportive of openly LGBTQ+ colleagues (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, and others), including those who shared their stories in this Bulletin – something my 18-year-old self would be inspired to see. I’m also proud to work for a health care organization that’s focused on creating an environment where all patients feel safe and listened to, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.
“I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.” It’s a line from a great anthem in the Broadway musical “La Cage aux Folles” about coming out and accepting who you are. We still have a long way to go, but I am amazed at how far we have come.